雅思写作课程-第二十课
第一篇小作文
This charts illustrates the changes in the total population of New York City from 1800 to 2000. There are 5 districts ——Manhattan, Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens, Staten Island in New York.
Overall, all of the districts’ population gradually increased from 1800 to 2000.
The percentage of Manhattan’s population underwent a significant fall from 1800 to 2000. The percentage of total population was 76%. That means most of the people were lived in Manhattan in 1800. But 200 years later, there only 19% population lived in there.
In the 1800, there were 60515 people lived in Manhattan. The population in Manhattan reached its peaked at 1900 which was 1850093. And then the population in Manhattan has gradually decreased in the last 100 years which was 1538096 by the 2000.
Other districts such as Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens, Staten Island only had a small amount of people in 1800. The total population in these area were only 18701. It was only 24% of total population. In the next 100 years, the population gradually increased to 1587109, which was 46% of total population.
In 2000, there was most population in Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens and Staten Island. There was 81% of total population.
修改后
好的，我仔细检查了你的这篇文章，发现主要问题集中在：
- 语法问题（时态混乱、被动/主动用错、冠词、复数、介词等）
- 搭配不自然（如 “most of the people were lived in” → “most people lived in”）
- 数字表达不准确（“peaked at 1900 which was 1850093” → 数字前加冠词，逻辑更清晰）
- 逻辑衔接欠流畅（一些句子跳跃、重复、衔接词不足）
- 词汇层级不够（可以用更学术的表达，如 “underwent a decline” 代替 “underwent a significant fall”）
我下面给出 改正后的版本（雅思 Task 1 风格，语法正确、逻辑清晰），并在后面附上 逐句讲解和改法。
✅ 改写后的版本
This chart illustrates the changes in the total population of New York City from 1800 to 2000, across its five districts — Manhattan, Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens, and Staten Island.
Overall, the populations of all districts increased gradually over the two centuries. However, Manhattan’s share of the total population declined significantly, while the other districts grew steadily.
In 1800, Manhattan accounted for 76% of the city’s population, meaning that most residents lived there. At that time, the population of Manhattan was approximately 60,515. It continued to grow and peaked at 1,850,093 in 1900. Over the following century, the population gradually decreased to around 1,538,096 by 2000, representing only 19% of the total population.
By contrast, Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens, and Staten Island had relatively small populations in 1800, totaling about 18,701, or 24% of the city’s population. Over the next 100 years, these districts experienced steady growth, reaching a combined population of 1,587,109, accounting for 46% of the total population.
By 2000, the majority of New York City’s population resided in Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens, and Staten Island, together comprising approximately 81% of the total population.
🩵 逐句讲解与改法
| 原句 | 问题 | 改正 / 说明 |
|---|---|---|
| 1This charts illustrates… | charts → chart（单数）；illustrates 时态正确 | → This chart illustrates… |
| 2all of the districts’ population gradually increased | all of…的搭配略口语，可简化 | → the populations of all districts increased gradually |
| 3The percentage of Manhattan’s population underwent a significant fall… | “significant fall”可以用更学术的“decline”；时态保持过去完成/过去时 | → Manhattan’s share of the total population declined significantly |
| 4most of the people were lived in Manhattan in 1800 | “were lived”语法错误，冠词可省 | → most residents lived in Manhattan in 1800 |
| 5there only 19% population lived in there | 语法错误，冠词缺失，介词多余 | → only 19% of the population lived there |
| 6In the 1800, there were 60515 people lived in Manhattan | “In the 1800”错误；“were lived”错误；数字需加逗号 | → In 1800, the population of Manhattan was approximately 60,515 |
| 7reached its peaked at 1900 which was 1850093 | “peaked at” 不加 “its”，数字需加逗号 | → peaked at 1,850,093 in 1900 |
| 8Other districts…only had a small amount of people | “amount”用于不可数名词，不适合人数；可改为 “relatively small populations” | → had relatively small populations |
| 9The total population in these area were only 18701 | “area”应为复数；数字需加逗号 | → totaling about 18,701 |
| 10In the next 100 years, the population gradually increased to 1587109… | 数字需加逗号，逻辑更清晰 | → reaching a combined population of 1,587,109 |
| 11there was most population in Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens and Staten Island | “there was most population”不自然，可用“the majority of the population resided in…” | → the majority of New York City’s population resided in… |
| 12There was 81% of total population | “There was” + 百分比不自然 | → comprising approximately 81% of the total population |
第二篇小作文
This chart provides information about the number of shops that closed/ opened in certain country between 2011 and 2018.
Overall, the number of shops that closed or opened fluctuated throughout the period.
The number of openings shops peaked at start of this chart in 2011 around 8500. In the next year it faced rapidly decreased to below 4000. From 2012 to 2014, The number of openings shops rose but still lower than the first year. Unfortunately, it dramatically decreased at 3000.
The number of closures shops experienced most significant fluctuation.
It should be noted that closed shops numbers declined rapidly since 2014. It dropped close to 0 in 2015.
However it also recovered quickly in the next year in 2016. Then the number of closures shop remained stable in two years during 2016 to 2018.
In 2011, The number of openings shops was 8500 which higher than the number of closures shops which was 6500. In contrast, in the 2018, the number of closures shops still around 5000. The number of openings shops was only 3000. 检查以上的错误，告诉我如何改正
✅ 改写后的正确版本（Band 7.5+ 水平）
This chart provides information about the number of shops that opened and closed in a certain country between 2011 and 2018.
Overall, the number of both openings and closures fluctuated considerably over the period. The number of shop openings generally declined, while the number of closures showed greater volatility.
At the beginning of the period, in 2011, shop openings peaked at around 8,500, which was higher than the number of closures (6,500). However, in 2012, the number of openings fell sharply to below 4,000. From 2012 to 2014, it rose gradually but remained lower than the initial level, before plummeting to just 3,000 in 2015.
The number of shop closures experienced the most significant fluctuations. It rose and fell sharply during the first few years, but dropped dramatically to nearly zero in 2015 — the lowest point of the entire period. Nevertheless, closures recovered rapidly in 2016 and then stabilized at around 5,000 between 2016 and 2018.
By 2018, shop closures (5,000) still outnumbered shop openings (3,000), in contrast to 2011 when the situation was the opposite.
🔍 逐句讲解与修改原因
| 原句 | 问题 | 改正与说明 |
|---|---|---|
| The number of shops that closed/ opened | 斜杠写法不正式 | → that opened and closed |
| fluctuated throughout the period | ✔️ 正确，但可以加副词增强表达 | → fluctuated considerably throughout the period |
| The number of openings shops | “openings shops”错误，应为“shop openings” | → The number of shop openings |
| peaked at start of this chart | 缺冠词、介词错误 | → peaked at the start of the period |
| it faced rapidly decreased | “faced”错误；“rapidly decreased”需调整词序 | → it fell sharply / decreased rapidly |
| From 2012 to 2014, The number of openings shops rose but still lower | 时态对；语法小错 | → rose gradually but remained lower |
| it dramatically decreased at 3000 | “at”错误，应为“to” | → decreased dramatically to 3,000 |
| closures shops | 错误词序 | → shop closures |
| closed shops numbers declined rapidly since 2014 | “since”错误，应为“from”；名词复数混乱 | → the number of shop closures declined rapidly from 2014 |
| It dropped close to 0 | 数字前加“to nearly zero”更自然 | → dropped to nearly zero |
| remained stable in two years during 2016 to 2018 | 表达不自然 | → remained stable over the two years from 2016 to 2018 |
| which higher than the number of closures shops which was 6500 | 缺系动词 is / was，and “closures shops”错误 | → which was higher than the number of shop closures, at 6,500 |
| the number of closures shops still around 5000 | 句法不完整 | → the number of shop closures still stood at around 5,000 |
🩵 句型升级建议（提高到 Band 8–9）
| 普通写法 | 高级写法 |
|---|---|
| went up and down | fluctuated |
| went down quickly | fell sharply / plummeted |
| went up slowly | rose gradually / increased steadily |
| stayed the same | remained stable / levelled off |
| went down to zero | dropped to nearly zero / reached its lowest point |
| became stable | stabilized / plateaued |
| more than | outnumbered / exceeded |
是否希望我帮你把这一篇再提升成 Band 9 范文版本（用更高级的连接词和句型，比如“while”从句、名词化结构、倒装句等），让你对比看看差距？
第三篇小作文
This chart provides information about the changes in ownership of electrical appliances and amount of time spent doing housework in certain country from 1920 to 2019.
Overall, the percentage of households with electrical appliances increased throughout the period. But it increased rate were different. The refrigerator was the most popular machine in certain country. The using of refrigerator surged very fast.
It should be noted that the percentage of refrigerator and the vacuum cleaner appliances has peaked at 100% since in 2000. In contrast, the percentage of washing machine appliances has only around 70%.
At the beginning of the chart, in 1920, the figure of refrigerator started almost 0. However, it increased dramatically in the decades and finally reached to 100%.
The percentage of vacuum cleaner appliances also experienced considerably increased from 1920 to 2019.
From 1960 to 1980, the The percentage of washing machine appliances slightly declined from 70% to 65%, then it increased 10% from 65% to 75% during the next four decades. 检查以上的错误，告诉我如何改正
非常好 👍，你这篇写作的结构是对的（有 overall 概述 + 各段细节 + 时间逻辑），但存在一些语法、搭配和表达不自然的问题。下面我帮你一一指出、改正，并解释原因👇
✅ 改正后的 Band 8+ 范文版本：
The chart provides information about the changes in the ownership of electrical appliances and the amount of time spent on housework in a certain country between 1920 and 2019.
Overall, the proportion of households with electrical appliances increased significantly over the period, though the rate of growth varied among different types of machines. Refrigerators became the most common household appliance, showing a particularly rapid rise in ownership.
It is worth noting that the percentages of households owning refrigerators and vacuum cleaners both plateaued at 100% from 2000 onwards. In contrast, the proportion of washing machine ownership remained lower, at around 70% by 2019.
At the beginning of the period, in 1920, almost no households owned a refrigerator. However, its ownership rose sharply over the following decades and eventually reached 100%.
The proportion of households with vacuum cleaners also increased steadily from 1920 to 2019.
By contrast, ownership of washing machines declined slightly from 70% to 65% between 1960 and 1980, before recovering gradually to around 75% over the next four decades.
🔍 逐句问题与改正说明：
| 原句 | 问题 | 改正与解释 |
|---|---|---|
| provides information about the changes in ownership of electrical appliances | ✅ 可理解但少冠词 | → in the ownership of electrical appliances（ownership 前一般加 the） |
| and amount of time spent doing housework | 缺冠词 | → and the amount of time spent on housework（spend time on sth） |
| But it increased rate were different. | ❌ 语法错误（主谓不一致 + 语序问题） | → However, the rate of increase varied. |
| The refrigerator was the most popular machine in certain country. | ❌ 时态错误，应为总体事实；“machine”不自然 | → The refrigerator became the most common household appliance. |
| The using of refrigerator surged very fast. | ❌ “using of” 不自然 + “surged very fast” 太口语 | → Ownership of refrigerators rose sharply / surged rapidly. |
| has peaked at 100% since in 2000 | ❌ 语法错误 + “since in” 错误 | → **plateaued at 100% from 2000 onwards.**（更自然地描述“到顶后保持”） |
| the percentage of washing machine appliances has only around 70%. | ❌ 搭配错误，“washing machine appliances”多余 | → the proportion of washing machine ownership was only around 70%. |
| the figure of refrigerator started almost 0 | ❌ “figure of refrigerator” 不自然 | → ownership of refrigerators was almost 0% at the start. |
| increased dramatically in the decades | ❌ 不完整，应为 “over the following decades” | → increased dramatically over the following decades. |
| The percentage of vacuum cleaner appliances also experienced considerably increased | ❌ “experienced increased” 错误 | → also increased considerably 或 also experienced a considerable increase |
| From 1960 to 1980, the The percentage of washing machine appliances… | ❌ 重复 + 搭配问题 | → From 1960 to 1980, the proportion of households with washing machines… |
✨ 学习重点总结
| 错误类型 | 正确写法 | 解释 |
|---|---|---|
| ❌ increased rate were different | ✅ the rate of increase varied | 正确的名词短语顺序 |
| ❌ using of refrigerator | ✅ ownership of refrigerators | “使用情况”要用 ownership |
| ❌ since in 2000 | ✅ from 2000 onwards / since 2000 | “since” 不能和 “in” 连用 |
| ❌ appliances has only 70% | ✅ ownership was around 70% | 不能说 “appliances has…” |
| ❌ experienced increased | ✅ experienced an increase / increased | 动词与名词形式不能混用 |
要不要我帮你把这篇升级成 Band 9 范文版本（加上更自然的衔接词和复杂句式）？那样你就能看到 Task 1 高分句子的逻辑展开方式。